Let the ‘ice cream’ games begin!

Ice cream is one of my most favorite things ever, seriously. If I could eat it all the time, I totally would. However, I’m not a huge fan of eating full fat cream, whole milk, and an excessive amount of sugar more than once every ten years. Solution? Dairy free scream! This is also a solution for any number of other issues, like lactose intolerance, ill-pursued diets, etc, but that’s beside the point. What is insiiiiide the point (Ahaha) is that this ice cream was made sin dairy and turned out prettyyyyyy good, if I do say so myself. I have no idea how one would replicate this recipe without an ice cream maker, so you’re on your own if you find yourself without one.

Chocolate-cherry ice cream

ingredients
2 c. Coconut milk French vanilla creamer
1c. Vanilla almond milk
Scant 1/2 c. Granulated sugar
1 c. Chopped cherries (pitted, obviously. And use real cherries, not those highlighter pink ones)
1/2 c. Chocolate chips (I put mine in a food processor and obliterated them to pieces, but you do you)
1/2 tsp vanilla extract

pre-production: make sure you freeze that ice cream maker bowl for at least 24 hours beforehand, unless soupy ice cream is your thing…

directions
1. Combine liquid ingredients and sugar in a bowl and mix until combined.
2. Pour into freezer bowl (that should be in your assembled machine…) and turn on. Allow to mix for 15 minutes minimum.
3. After 15 minutes have slowly ticked by, add the cherries and chocolate and allow to mix for 5 more minutes.
4. Serve if you plan on eating it immediately, freeze if you don’t. I have no idea how long this should last, but if it’s in your freezer for longer than a week you obviously don’t know how to eat ice cream properly.

The beginning

the middle

almost the end, aka “whirling toppings” stage

finally, the end

Slaves have been growing our tomatoes…wait, what?

I’m not really sure what to make of this so I’m just going to say it straight up: there are slaves in Florida and they grow our tomatoes. THERE ARE SLAVES IN FLORIDA AND THEY GROW OUR TOMATOES. Slaves, Florida, tomatoes. Google “tomato slaves” and look at all the stuff that pops up- this shit cray.

But seriously, whaaaaat? I might seem like it sometimes, but I’m no idiot and I know slavery still exists in our world today, but in our own backyard? Like, are we serious right now?! To add insult to injury, this slavery exists far too close to Disneyworld, which is supposedly the happiest place on Earth. Can’t be too happy if you have slave tomatoes in your overpriced salads, right? My brain and my stomach hurt because I’ve probably eaten so many slave tomatoes in he past few weeks and I didn’t even know it.

P.S. yeah I know that these stories are from 2011 but you need to relax, 2011 was literally only a few months ago.

P.P.S if you’re lazy like me, watch this video. Way easier than doing that thing called “reading”…

Why didn’t anyone tell me about these MONTHS ago?!

I’m pretty sure that all I’ve talked about on this blog in the past few months has been my newfound obsession with coconut and my quest for the perfect bar and at last, I’ve finally found something that melds those two interests (obsessions?) into one happy little package. May I introduce you all to Oskri original coconut bars.

Um, I could eat these all day, every day for the rest of my life and I would be happy as a clam. Malnourished, but happy. These bars have two ingredients: pure, unadulterated coconut flakes (none of that sweetened shit) and rice syrup. It literally just looks like a block of coconut and I don’t hate it. I would have taken a picture of the bar itself, but I was driving on the highway and didn’t feel like getting into a fiery crash and dying, so no pictures for you. Just trust me- these are a great reprieve from your average Joe granola bars and are pretty filling for just being coconut. Oskri products in general look awesome and I can’t wait to try them- anyone have any recommendations? I have a salary now so I can actually afford to feed myself, so let a girl know!

Nutritional facts, if anyone is feeling curious:

An answer to an age-old question

“Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?”

Yes, shenanigans if you don’t.

Wow, these are so delicious!

When it’s hot in the summer, I want ice cream. Actually, I take that back- it doesn’t have to be summer for me to want ice cream, it can be negative 30 degrees and I still won’t turn down a few good scoops. I’m not going to say I’m an ice cream connoisseur, but I’m not going to say I’m not either, you dig? Anyways, imagine my delight when I opened the freezer and found these babies in there:

Ouch hello pretend fudgsicles! How you doin?! I’m not lying when I say these imposters might be better than the real deal- 70 calories, dreamy taste, cloud like texture, perfect size, and dairy free. When eaten outside on a lazy, hazy summer day, life itself is prefect. Keep on killin it So Delicious, keep on killin it.

Alright Acura I see you.

First off, if you don’t have the “map my fitness” app you should probably join the real world and download it now. But wait! Before you download it, might I suggest that you get the free one? Not only does the app do pretty much everything it’s supposed to, like map your exercise route and pace, but it also has some absolute gems for ads. Case in point: Acura. I finished up a run the other day and while I was dpi my nice little cool down walk (aka dying on the sidewalk), this ad popped up:

Now maybe I was experiencing a running-during-hot-weather mental breakdown, because those are real and all, but I thought the ad was hilarious and made myself look like a loony bin by laughing out loud. If you don’t get why it’s funny then you probably don’t know how to read or are just like, really really sensitive or something womp like that. This is such a pointless and poorly constructed post but I don’t care, I just had to let the world know about the potential for humorous and entertaining app ads! Free fitness apps with funny ads for errrrrybody!!!

Dying prematurely was Obviously on my list of things to do (not.)

I’m honestly not sure where to go with this devastating gem of knowledge, but people who sit down a lot die sooner….um, great? Why wasn’t I told this before I agreed to a job where I sit on my ass from 9-5? Hm? HM? Faaaaaahck. This is wildly inconvenient. I was going to wait to ask my boss if I could be crazy and bring in an exercise ball to sit on instead of my chair, but I guess I’m going to have to take my life into my own hands, especially now since apparently my life is insanely short, and bring that in ASAP. This is especially nice since I wanted all my new co-workers to know that I was crazy right off the bat, yup, definitely.

If you want to know how sitting down kills you, read here and try not to break down into tears like I did, because I’m 90% sure that is also not normal, but since life is so short who’s counting?